I Still Miss You. 4 a.m. Confessions.
Moments in this darkness that call out your name, echo through my soul. Down hallways that haven’t been walked through since you left. A second in time, a last breath, your cheeky smile etched into memories across the life you left behind. Frozen in forever with you that we’ll never see the light together.
I still reach for your hand, hidden under pillows on cold winter mornings. Before the sun peaks through curtains I didn’t quite close and you’d have groaned about 3 hours from now. I still miss you. Years and moments passed, These 4am confessions play on repeat when the rest of the world sleeps.
What I wouldn’t give for your hand to reach back. Eyes closed, you’d grumble at me for how cold my fingers were before pulling me into bear hugs I’ve been unable to replicate anywhere. I’m frozen in place, unable to let go of you long enough to take charge of me.. Treading water waiting for the dam to empty. An impossible wish to the universe every August 23, please give him back to me.
They were lying as we laid you to rest. Your burdens would get easier to hold they promised. That these days would warm up and my dreams reignite. They were lying when they said If I just let myself fall in love with someone else your pull would loosen its grip on my entire being. The darkest of my days are the happiest of theirs. When the men I see in your place are brimming from ear to ear, fill my heart with the guilt and dread you really cannot explain.
The 4 a.m. confession today is that sometimes despite it all, and every moment; I hate you for the mess you left behind. The mess I’ve been unable to clean up for myself. Do you think they know? I do, I think it's why they don’t stay. It’s why I’ll never ask them too. Live with echo’s of ghosts running through hallways I’m not allowed in. Doors that are locked forever held shut for someone who can’t come to reopen them. I still miss you, even today.
Drowning in the darkness of space and time, an impossible task. Struggling through the first night of someone in your spot. Their hands where yours should be, bear hugs sub par. How awful of me. How cruel and wicked to pretend I can move on in this space. When you still have all of me.
Worlds exist for me that don’t know your name. Entire moments in my history that don’t include you. My biggest bravest achievements were made after your time. Rooms you’ve never entered centered around me. 4am confessions ring loud, I still miss you. Everywhere.