I don’t belong in your sparkle

This version of me knows that I don't belong in your sparkle; but there isn’t a world where I put hot sauce on my sauteed greens and not think of you. When I look through photos of afternoon cut fruit plates I don’t send. While I have these moments of absolute love; I don’t expect you have the same. 

I hope I never forget the ways in which you taught me to take care of myself by taking care of myself first. Before the judgement, before the annoyance and the angst that I caused in my mistakes. Before the frustration leaked into our bond when you didn't know how to reach me anymore. Because I didn't want to be reached. 

I hope I never forget the way in which I broke our friendship, the mistakes I made and the distance I put between us. How long it took me to be ready to fix us, too late. The silence that hurt; the further withdrawal. Sorry without change is manipulation. There was no place for me in our moments without fixing what I broke in me first. 

I hate that when I healed, I healed away from you. That when my heart finally started to rebuild from the breaks you didn't cause, I didn't run into the direction of dance floors; held hands and aliens. I miss them more than the words I have to mend. But those euphoric moments now are art galleries on a Sunday morning, and tea in the afternoon. The pre drinks don’t turn into nightclub dance floors, they’re cooking for my circle, smaller now without you. But also the opportunity to lead my own two steps. Not concerned with upsetting the apple cart with opinions or ideas outside of your plan. Messages delivered through others instead of your own.

I miss that I used to belong in these sequences, a part of the sparkle world you built, safe. But the longer I waited, and the more time I took to rebuild my heart and mind from breaks you didn’t cause, the more I realised I didn't really belong there in the first place. The chaos and beat of Saturday's past; a memory I’m forever fond. A place in a sentence that would have plastered over the breaks in my heart but never healed my soul. 

A girl, long forgotten, betrayed, damaged by herself and others in a world of needing to fit in for you. A necessity you never asked for but a feeling I longed to make real. The sake of being chosen melded herself into someone who would hurt you. Someone who chose to exist in those moments despite the damage it did.

I hope I’m never the version of me who chose forced smiles, quiet pain and pretend belonging over doing what my soul screamed for. The person who didn't speak up more when you spoke about others who weren’t in the room. I hope I’m never the version of myself who was so lost She borrowed your favourite things as her own. In love with the way you exist in the world. Hoping to replicate but unable to reciprocate. Selfish, and insecure. I hope I’m never that woman again; I hope the same growth for you. I hope the next person you build a world for is kind, generous and healed enough to love you as fully as you love them. 

I hope your heart is still big and open and full; not for me; not for forgiveness. but I hope you continue to sparkle for you.